Monsoon Campfire

This monsoon I melted,

To be a straw that flows;

Sailing on the grace

That the divine always shows.

Awing at his wonders,

As my heart takes

A million bows

To be the one who loves

And Love is all who knows

-Rasikaapriti

Today the clouds have decided to wash out the streets of Satara.Since Kabir was in Mumbai for his business meet, our humble abode had only me and my little unborn angel to accompany it. As the day retreated, I sat to work on my project when the power supply was cut.Disappointed I decided to brew myself a hot cup of tea and sit by the window cursing the ceaseless decant from the clouds. And when I thought of calling Kabir I found the mobile battery discharged. “Just what I needed!” I sighed to myself. Getting a little annoyed by all the din of nature outside.

It was getting cold and windy, so shutting the windows close; I felt my way to the library. Lighting the hearth, I cuddled on the armchair sketching away my time. I was warmly surprised at the thoughts that were etched on the paper. It kindled the memory in my heart that was dampened over the years, by tears of time.

It was a similar stormy night, almost eight years ago, the night before the ring ceremony of my darling sister Peehu. We were all busy with the decorations and other preparations, when the power supply was cut. I remember teasing Peehu about how this is a sign, that this marriage is not one of her bright decisions and aai had scolded me for talking inauspiciously as if my words would come true. How lovingly she had told Peehu that her daughter will light up Satvik’s life, to which Akash dada chuckled “ThusSatvik’s salary would be spent paying the electricity bill.” My big brother Akash was famous for his dull comments. But He was the most adorable sibling one could have, He pulled us all in a big hug and just then baba announced that he had set up the dinner near the fire place.

Baba loved experimenting in the kitchen, though aai would go mad about the mess he would leave after cooking, baba would mollify her with his enchanting words, sweet nature and tastiest food. As we completed the dinner -in everything but silence- sleep had eloped with the excitement of the next day; so we sat up laughing, talking, and remembering our childhood. Soon aai-baba had left to hit the hay, but our Orion-belt twinkled all night and don’t know when we had laughed ourselves to sleep right there, I wish I could turn back the clock and bring the wheels of time to a stop near the sparkle and warmth of our little monsoon campfire.

A kick in my womb sweetly brought me back to the crackling flames before me. They lacked the comfort I was looking for. Using the flashlight I went to the kitchen to find some milk. And as if there wasn’t enough happened that the milk vessel was empty. It was too stormy and late for any shop to be open, and Sunanda -my house maid- was on leave due to the Ganesh Chaturthi celebration at her home. Peeking from the kitchen window I looked at my neighbor’s house, we shared a common backyard. I thought I could see if she can help me with some milk. I carefully walked till her kitchen door; hoping to not disturb her. She was a sweet lady in her 60s. Her daughter was married and lived in UK.  She usually slept by 8pm, and it was already past 9. As I neared her door, I heard voices of more than one person, good for me she had guests, so she was awake. “Kusum kaki” I called out to her as I knocked. She opened the door looking worried, “Jhilmil? What happened? Is everything alright?” She enquired. “Yes kaki, I just ran out of milk, and didn’t want to sleep on empty stomach, so bothered you.” I quickly replied pacifying her rising worry. She always reminded me ofaai, simple, tirelessly caring and ever so full of Love. I won’t lie if I said that I would visit her whenever I missed my family. And I know she knew it too but would never intrude my feelings. She immediately, started warming the cold milk from the refrigerator while simultaneously scolding me for being careless.

I heard laughter from the other room, before I could ask, aunty replied “Disha has come with her fiancé; their car broke down a few yards away.” I simply nodded. Disha was auntie’s niece. She lived in Pune. It had been 6 years that I had left Pune; my hometown. I was about to dive in the pool of memories when I was interrupted by Kusum aunty, as she brought a glass of warm milk and my favorite Maharashtrian style ‘poha’. “I had made it for Akash, he loves them.” Aunty explained pointing at the plate of ‘poha’. “Akash?” I asked, a little alarmed at the name. “Disha’s fiancé; wait let me introduce you.” Before I could say anything she called out, “Disha, Akash, could you please come here” My heart was sinking, and I was hoping, it to be just a co-incidence of name. As they entered, the soft light of the lantern revealed Akash. Many thoughts raced my mind; I wanted to jump and hug him, tell him how much I missed him, or congratulate him for the engagement, or scold him for not taking my advice before selecting his partner (not that I was complaining), ask him about his well-being and of baba’s and aai’s and Peehu’s. But my voice was melting from my eyes. I couldn’t say whether it was my heart or the thunder outside pounding louder. He also seemed to have lost his ability to speak or perhaps he was still angry at me.I don’t remember how we greeted each other, or how aunty introduced us. I just left from there absent mindedly. I walked as fast as I could but the 10 steps seemed like 10 miles between our houses. The welled-up emotions just poured incessantly and many unkind memories flooded my mind.

Six years ago my father disapproved of my marriage with Kabir because Kabir was born on a different path to God. I found this reason inappropriate to reject someone who loved me so much and with whom I chose to spend my life with. The idea of many Gods was funny to me. I sometimes wondered if there was a competition, about who has more followers. I tried to convince them, but I don’t know what belief had eclipsed their love for me. It was a tough decision to make; I was torn between a family who was always besides me and loved me so endlessly and a boy, with whom I had envisioned my future. It was like choosing between two parts of my heart. After failing at all my attempts, I had married Kabir against the will of my family. Aai had tried to convince him, but he made them all swear to not speak to me ever again. The encounter with my brother had salted my wounds, and now I didn’t know what to do. I sat on the couch crying when there was a knock and someone entered with the tray of milk and poha. My heart sank in my belly on seeing my brother standing there, “I am sorry I just entered, but you must not leave the door open like this.” He gently scolded, sounding unsure, happy, concerned and hopeful all at the same time. All I could say was “Dada” as I broke down weeping in his embrace. He simply patted on my back, trying to control his sobs.

He gently walked me in, near the fire place. Sitting next to me he fed me the poha, like he did when I would study for my exams and ignore food. “Baba may show he is angry, but he misses you Mili” After years I was overwhelmed on hearing that name. I was accidentally born to my parents, so everyone called me ‘Mili’; despite my grandma naming me ‘Jhilmil’ looking at my twinkling eyes. “How is everyone at home?” I enquired.“They pretend to be happy. I have seen baba silently shed tears with your picture in hand and when he is not around, aai talks about you, and has many times asked me to find out if you were happy. There has not been a single time when Peehu and I talked and we didn’t discuss about you.” All I could do was sob. “You changed your number, blocked your face book account, no reply to emails; I wonder why you decided to go underground. Did you really think Dad would hire detectives after you” I couldn’t believe that I laughed at his dull joke. He had not changed a bit; just looked a little older in the light of hopping flames. We spent the night complaining for not initiating the conversation in these years thentalking like nothing happenedand catching up on all the time we wasted in fear of rejection, he even called up Peehu at 2am; she was furious at him, but immediately turned happily surprised on hearing my voice. She was the eldest of us three and never failed to express it at every opportunity she found. She began scolding me for just going away, but quickly got excited by the news of my pregnancy and we spoke for a long time. The pouring rain washed away all my pain and filled my heart with joy.

Morning I woke up to the door-bell. After putting me to sleep in my bedroom, Dadamay have slept on the couch; he was fast asleep. Seeing him there, confirmed that last night was not a dream. I opened the door to let Kabir in and jumped in his arms cheerfully. Surprised by my behavior and equally confused, Kabir became nervous on seeing Dada, He whispered, “How is he here? Did he come to take you? What happened?” I asked him to breathe, and freshen up, Made some breakfast for him, and as he sat eating I explained him all that happened the previous night. Kabir smiled a sigh of relief. His eyes were sparkling with joy. I know he was waiting for this day as eagerly as me; perhaps with even more anticipation. He had no one but me to call his family. It pained him to see me without one too. In a hopeful voice he asked, “Will he talk to baba too? About accepting our relationship and our baby?” Before I could speak dada replied, who was standing behind and seemed to have heard at least that part of our conversation, “Yes, and I am sure he will be more than happy with the news of becoming grandfather to the most naughty baby to be born” Dada winked at Kabir, and I could not be mad at him for pulling my legs. How could I be; when I have missed it for so many years? They both shared a quick hug, and engaged in taking. Kusum aunty and Disha joined us too. Dada must have obviously explained everything to them, before bringing my tray of food the previous night. Disha hugged me affectionately as I welcomed her to our crazy family and Kusum aunty was beaming her sunniest smile.

The clear sky of that morning, marked a beautiful new day in my life. Once again I was grateful for the storm and my monsoon Campfire.

******* 15 months later*******

“Your father has filled the house with toys, and he is trying a new cake every day.” Grumbled my mom “I want to bake the perfect cake for my darling’s first birthday”baba justified enthusiastically.“This house has become a kid’s shopping center”;dada laughed at his own (supposed to be one) joke. “Mili just come with Kabir and the baby doll, we are excited to welcome you all” Shouted Peehu. “See you tomorrow guys” saying that I disconnected the phone. Kabir was in Roohi’s room, putting her to sleep. He smiled at me as I entered, gesturing me to not talk loudly. I walked to the balcony, breathing in the happiness and peace in the air. Kabir hugged me from behind. And we stood there in silence, in peace, in the completeness of that moment.

A Fairy Tale

“Once in a while, right in the middle of an ordinary life, love gives us a fairy tale.”Presenting one such fairy tale.

Once upon a time there lived a shy little boy named Pino. He lived in his own dream land, oblivious to social rules set by his elderly fellow species. But he had a very special quality, His ability to Love with full humility. He grew up to be a fine gentleman, very respectful and sweet-spoken. He was dear to everyone. A handsome boy with caring nature and kind heart full of love what else could any girl wish for. There was no one humanly possible who could dislike him.

At the time there also lived a notorious tom-boyish girl named Goli. Loud and outspoken. You could be sure she's her if you found a girl who could hit off a story with any word you could think of. She was kind and loving too. But partially, if she liked someone she liked them if not, the she just does not.. No reasons to fake.

To sum up Pino and Goli were worlds apart. Their likes dislikes everything exactly opposite. These two different species of human being crossed each other's path when they were kids. But due to their extremely opposite nature their conversation ended in just a 'hi' and a formal forced smile.

Both grew up to live their own share of joy and pain. Destiny brought them together again when they learnt they shared the same spiritual belief. They met and talked quite a few times. Sharing their knowledge mainly and very little of their personal lives. And once again they parted their ways with time. For reasons best known to them or God.

Now destiny was frustrated with their ignorance of each other. After giving them multiple hints, they were too stubborn to accept each other. So destiny decided to bang them together yet again and 'Arrey' their story began.

Goli was going through a real tough time. She had very few people beside her. Pino's soft heart melted seeing her pain. And he looked at her in a different light. He saw how she was similar to him, held similar beliefs, kind, loving, caring just that her ways were different. She was not too expressive about it. He decided to bring out the beauty in her for the world to know how charming she really was.He proposed his love to her and overwhelmed by his humility, kindness and confidence she accepted it. They began their lives together, got married, and lived happily ever after.

But how they achieved the happily ever after is the beauty of their relationship. They had a perfect blend of similarities and differences. Similarities of faith and belief and principles that glued them together when their differences tried to pull them apart. They began to enjoy each other's differences. They fought like angry birds sometimes cats and dogs but they always came around. Forgetting everything if not forgiving and keeping their love above all their differences. They met with many challenges, and stood firm with determination. He was her inspiration and she was her support.

There is nothing like a perfect match, its life and not a jigsaw puzzle to find the perfectcounter- piece. What is perfect is how you can always choose Love and kill the ego. That is what gives a happily ever after. Relationship should be lived in every moment. That fills life in every breath that we take. If we can do that we can all have our Happily Ever After.

Quoting the bible Corinthians 13:4-7⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

While We Can

Meera was sitting near the window, blankly staring out, lost in deep thoughts. Her appearance narrated what happened earlier that day. She could not hide her dried up tears from Kavya, her 19year old daughter, who had just returned from her college. Kavya understood that her parents had again fought that day and her father Vikram must have let his hand lose. “Why can’t he just leave us alone; get himself killed or something.” Spat Kavya angrily. “Shut up Kavya!” scolded her mother “You have no rights to talk ill against your father. Has he ever abused you, or even laid his finger on you? He works day in and day out only for us. It is not wise of you to interfere between us. We fight today and tomorrow we would get along.” “Mom here the tomorrow will come after months.” Saying this Kavya stormed into her room and banged the door. 

Vikram was a wonderful father, a loving husband and a very responsible man. But all his goodness was eclipsed by his Anger and short tempered nature, which made Kavya resentful against her father. 

***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Kavya was strolling down the road, blankly staring around at the trees and buildings when her phone rang “Hello” “Come soon Kavya” it was her mother weeping profusely, “Look what the doctor is saying.” “Ma stop crying, I am reaching hospital in 5 minutes” Kavya was just a few yards away from the hospital, she broke into a run and hurried. 

Vikram was admitted in the hospital when he complained of a severe pain in the stomach few days back. The doctors performed all the necessary tests and were awaiting the report of the biopsy. 

When Kavya reached the hospital she could hear her mother crying on the second floor, even at the entrance. She lacked the patience for the elevator; so she ran up the stairs and met the doctor who was trying to console her mom. Doctor pronounced that her father was diagnosed with a malignant third stage colon cancer and needs an immediate surgery. Hearing this, her heart sank, for a moment she was perplexed, but soon she masked all her strength so that her mother doesn’t lose her composure. Meera was a simple lady so Kavya very easily convinced her that Dad will be all right and that they can cure cancer these days. She asked her mom to wear a smile and go in dad’s room. They decided not to inform him anything about cancer. Then she went to the doctor’s cabin to discuss their plan of action: the date of the surgery, chemotherapies etc. etc. . . . While leaving from the cabin she requested the doctor to not give any difficult news to anyone in her family except her. That night she cried herself to sleep. She was hurt that her father will have to go through so much suffering but she was hurt more that her mother will suffer along with him. Next morning she went to the hospital so that her mom could go home and rest for some time. Her father enquired worried if she didn’t have to go to college that day. “No, I will work on my project from here” She Lied. Kavya was in her final year of graduation. But at the moment she was only concerned about her parents. 

Her father was operated on September 21st. Kavya’s friends had reached the hospital before any of her relatives did; she was awed as they never had punctuality hormone in them. Nevertheless, may not in words, but she felt immense gratitude for them. Meera told Vikram he had tuberculosis that will be cured after the surgery. Vikram asked Meera to tell Kavya that it was only a minor cyst. So that she is not worried. Kavya was touched by this gesture of her father. Vikram was discharged after being a month in the hospital. In this time Meera and Kavya would take turns in the hospital. Meera would be there at night while Kavya during the day. Meera's younger sister took care of the household affairs. Other relatives visited once in a while. Coincidentally Vikram was discharged on the day of Meera's birthday. She was very happy. 

Now was the time to tell Vikram the truth. Without which they could not take him for his chemotherapies. Meera had no courage to do that. Kavya had researched a lot in the meanwhile. She downloaded pictures and explained everything to her father carefully filtering the details of its dangers. Her father was heartbroken. He was only 47yr old. But what surprised him was how strong Kavya had become. In that moment he felt that his daughter had grown up. He mentioned to his close friend once that he draws his strength from Kavya's courage.

After 12 sessions of chemotherapy the reports showed that cancer was under control. Vikram and Meera were very happy but Kavya knew it was only a matter of time. However, she didn't want to snatch those moments of joy. They went for a small vacation to their native place. Who knew it then that it would be their last family vacation together. 

Kavya cleared her graduation with distinction. Vikram was very proud of her. He thought fondly of her always. Kavya was always grateful to her teachers and friends who did all they could to help her. After they returned from their vacation, various tests were again performed to check the condition of Vikram. Kavya went to the hospital to collect the reports. And the worst had shown its face as anticipated by Kavya. She didn't know this time how she would convey this to her father. Her besties Vansh and Simran were always there for her. They never expressed much to each other but everything seemed to be communicated perfectly. Simran took an off from her work and accompanied Kavya to the doctor along with her parents. 

Tumour had spread all over his body, which meant all that they had been through only got them few months. For the first time Kavya saw moistened eyes of her father. 

Vikram took another six sessions of chemotherapy, then oral chemo tablets. With great efforts had Kavya managed to stop her eyes from pouring when her father told her in surprise, "Kavya look my hair just came off." That day she couldn't ignore how her father had changed from wheatish to burnt-black. How a majestic lion had shrunk into a tiny lamb. 

Months passed and Vikram's health was only deteriorating. Doctors had started giving him morphine to manage his pain. They were done trying everything Allopathy, Homeopathy, Ayurveda, Naturopathy but it was too late for anything to work. They had sold all their properties, except the house they lived in, sold all their gold, exhausted all the policies and took huge sum of loan; did everything possible to keep Vikram along for as long as they could. He still had hopes that he would survive, he would ask Kavya to request the doctors to treat him without fees and that he would pay them later but Kavya could not answer anything. 

***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****

It was Kavya's 21st birthday. She spent her morning with her parents. Then she went out with Simran who had arranged a surprise meet with Nihal an old friend of Kavya who would be her companion for the rest of her life. Nihal proposed his feelings to Kavya that day knowing all the complications he would have to face. He chose to stand by her side when she needed someone the most. When she returned home her father had also planned a surprise for her. She was overwhelmed with so many emotions all at once she didn't know what to feel, knowing that this was most certainly her last birthday with her father. That's all she got, 21years with her lovely father and only few months in which she realised how wonderful he was. 

***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Vikram had now become bed ridden. His legs had swollen and he had become extremely delicate. The dose of morphine was increased. Day by day he was losing his consciousness. All the relatives had gathered in the home. Kavya would just sit next to Vikram all the time. Meera was not able to see Vikram in that condition. She would be out of the room, trying to act normal. On the night of 30th April, Vikram passed stool in his diaper. So the men in the house asked Kavya to move out of the room so that they could clean and bathe him. But he would not leave her hand even for a minute. She told him very gently that she will wait out only till he is fresh and changed into new clothes. He agreed. 

Kavya went out, kept her head in her mother's lap and cried. She was breaking down. Her mother and aunt tried in vain to console her. It was only when her uncle came to call her back in Vikram's room that she masked a smile and went back. 

She and her cousin were joking with Vikram. And he was smiling. He was not able to speak much so with great difficulty he said, "I want to sleep now we will talk tomorrow" he touched Kavya's face and closed his eyes. 

In the morning, Vikram was breathing heavily, he was not responding to anyone's call. They knew it would be any time now. Kavya went to take bath. She had only poured a jug water on her head when her aunt knocked at the door saying "Your Dad is leaving" Kavya lost her composure, she hurriedly put on her clothes and ran out. She was trying to wake him up. She was shaking him and weeping, “Paa, Paa wake up please. Talk to me." Her aunt pulled her away. She was losing her senses. The time drowned in their tears, Kavya would suddenly start laughing and then start crying. She had no comprehension of what was going on. She cried till sleep closed her eyes. She slept with her mom and Simran in her Parent's room. 

"I wish I could tell him how much I loved him. I wish I realized this earlier. All my life I spited him. All he gave me was Love." It was the first thought that came to her as she woke up. He was gone. And, soon, this bedroom, the house in whose eastern corner it sat, and the tiny garden outside with its gnarled old red hibiscus and the half-grown mango tree they had planted together, all those would be gone as well. It was the strangest feeling ever. Until that day she never realised that she loved her father more than anyone in the world, just like he did. She spent all her life hating him and now she craved for one moment in which she could thank him for all he did and tell him how much he meant to her. She begged her destiny for one moment in which she could hug her father. But the mysterious thing – Time – Once you lose it, you can never have it back. The problem is we think we have TIME. 

***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****

One morning at breakfast Meera and Kavya were having a light conversation few days before her wedding. Meera told Kavya that one morning when Vikram was alive and they were having breakfast, Vikram with tears in his eyes had thanked Meera for tolerating him throughout their lives together. He said that he was sorry and that he never meant to hurt her but was helplessly enslaved by his own temper. Kavya could only smile. She realized people are not bad. It’s just their habits.

*****  ***** *****  *****  ***** *****

It’s been 4 years now Kavya is married to Nihal and has a 1yr old son who was born on the same day her father left her. She is busy in her life but there is a Vikram shaped hollow in her heart that she has fairly patched with all the good memories she had of her Father. 

If we waste our time in judging people

We have no time to Love them

Life has taught her to

Express, Care and Love

While We Can. . .

fOg

Cold wind slapped my face as the cab picked up speed. I was suddenly awakened from my nostalgia. After checking all my belongings to make sure I got them in place, I sat staring out of the window; thinking about the climax to my story. In no time the songs on the radio seemed distant melody and my eyes soon got lost in oblivion. The jerk of the halt dropped me to reality. I paid my fare and opened the door.    

It was still dawn when I stepped out of the cab and walked towards the entry gate of the Delhi airport. The early morning February air was pleasantly cold.

I was travelling to Bengaluru to attend a college friend's wedding. It had been four years since we graduated from the same college. This wedding was also going to be a reunion of our batch mates. But what I didn't know was that the reunion would begin much ahead of time; right in the queue in front of the airline counter.

I was almost sure it was she. Same height! Same long hair! Same complexion! Curiosity had my eyes glued to her. And then about 60-odd seconds later, when she turned, she proved me right. My ex-girlfriend stood two places ahead of me in that queue. We had never met after the college farewell.

I caught a glimpse of pain on her face which she expertly wrapped in a surprised eyes and a hesitant smile as soon as she met my gaze. After struggling to wrestle out the right words all we could manage to say “Hey Sam!” both at the same time, and we laughed. On the memory lane which was frequently accessed since the news of Shekhar’s wedding, I reached the day we had first met. In the queue for collecting our mark sheet where she stood quarrelling with the clerk; her mark sheet had 2 marks less than she actually earned. I could not believe that 2marks were actually the reason she had us all waiting for over 15 dreary minutes. I tilted my head side ways to take a look at the ‘bandit queen’ of the college, and right I was in conferring her that title, as she honestly didn’t knew how to even look like a normal girl. The students ahead of me had already left the queue by the time she won her battle with the clerk. She moved aside to allow me to go ahead and stood stuffing all the papers she had carried to ensure her victory, in her bag pack. I didn’t have the patience to even look at my mark sheet.  I was signing the register when someone called “Hey Sam!” and we both turned to say in perfect sync “Yup”, and then we both looked at each other; admiring her lovely deep black big eyes  I forgot to wonder what could be her name.

“Sir, your booking id please.” I blankly completed the check-in procedure. She was waiting for me at the end of the queue, fidgeting with the boarding pass in her hands, trying to escape my intent look. She had changed, her long hair resting peacefully behind her shoulders, one small curl left to fall over face. And she was wearing ‘Chudidar kameez’ instead of her usual ragged pair of jeans and t-shirt.

“So how are you?” I bravely began the conversation. “Good” She replied with a radiant smile that had never failed to make my heart skip a beat. ‘We are sorry to inform that all the flights have been delayed by 2 hours due to fog.’ “Oh No! We’ll be late for the wedding.”  I said sounding disappointed although it really didn’t matter. “We? Who else is going for the wedding?” She asked rhetorically. “Why? Weren’t you invited?” I mocked. “Who dare not invite me? I got Shekhar’s mail of course. But I had plans made which could not be cancelled. So I am not going.” “Ooo, I see. . .” She only changed her appearance I thought. “And what are you doing these days?” I asked. “Exactly what I had planned, I am a senior project manager with DELL in Texas” “So you moved out of India, I didn’t knew I scared you so much” “Very funny! I joined it 3 years back as a senior programmer; I just got promoted last month” “Miss Perfectionist as always.” “You are just being modest like always” “I mean it look here” I showed her a part of the manuscript where I described her as ‘A girl full of confidence and the potential to change the world’  “Wow! I am flattered” She chuckled “What are you writing? Our story?” “Well, do we have one?” She said nothing; we just looked at each other for some time. After few seconds or minutes maybe she asked interrupting the conversation of our silence. “Coffee?” “Sure.” To lighten the grave silence as we walked I asked “And where is mom?” “Obviously with me; why would I leave her here?” “That’s nice” She was shivering so I offered her my jacket.

We went to CCD. She chose a place close to the glass window right in the corner like our golden days. I went to place the order. Life had always been a roller coaster ride since the time I had met her and this reminded me just how it all begun. It was at CCD next to our college when we had to share our table as everywhere else was occupied. She had come to the table where I was sipping over my coffee as I sat scribbling some  rhymes in my Diary. “So you write diary huh?” she asked pulling the chair without seeking my permission to share the table. “Oh! It’s just few thoughts I try to capture. Not a diary as such, more of a scrap book.” “Impressive, I’m Samaira by the way-Sam” she held out her hand. “I am Samvit Mehra-Sam” I took her hand in response. She gave that breath-taking radiant smile and maybe just at that moment I knew something went missing in the left part of my chest. This time I wasn’t surprised at what she had ordered for her.

“So, what’s going on?” she asked interrupting my thoughts.  “As in?” “As in, in your life, career etc etc . . .” “Nothing much; looking after dad’s business.” “What about those manuscripts you showed then?” “It’s just a hobby.” She gave a teasingly disappointed smile. “What?” I asked pretending to not understand her expressions. “You know I never approved of this.” I had just opened my mouth to answer her when she continued “Let’s not talk about it.” ‘One cappuccino and one green apple tea.’ The café guy brought our order. “You remembered?” she exclaimed jubilantly picking up the green apple tea. “Who can forget your strange choices?” “You were one of my choices.” “But you never trusted me” She opened her mouth to say something, but my phone rang and I used that opportunity to excuse myself.

After the call I needed some time to gather myself so I did not return immediately. Sam and I were together since the first semester of the college. We never had to officially express our feelings to each other. Somehow we both just knew we were in love. Not the ‘mushy-mushy’ kind. But it was real for sure. I wanted to give this relationship a sweet bend towards marriage. For one reason I wanted to be sure that this angel with a devils mind and a golden heart gets no reason to escape me, and second because my dad had started indicating that I should get married to his partner’s only daughter. So before they took any serious decision I decided to take Samaira before them, to avoid any confusion later. I was sure my parents wouldn’t have minded. They were not the filmy orthodox kind. I did not wish to hurt their emotions by delaying my engagement with Sam. I decided to propose to her we were in CCD when I began. “So Sam, What do you think about me?” I asked her trying to sound as casual as I could, “Samvit, my dear, are you a programming error about which I should be thinking? I mean seriously, don’t I have any other work to do.” She replied teasingly. Samaira was known to make people whom she spoke with nervous with her replies, but in 4 years of college I had known her enough to not be intimidated by her flamboyant attitude; I was obtrusive enough for her. I pulled down the reference book she was pretending to read, looked straight in her eyes (which was not so much a good idea) and told her cuttingly “ Now, you better Listen to me Miss Samaria Bakshi or you be ready for the drama that I am capable of creating.” Her expressions turned from mischievous to apprehensive and it felt like my cat caught her tongue for once in her life. But her silence made me all the more dumbstruck, and I completely ran out of any vocabulary I ever knew. She was waiting for me to speak and I kept staring at her and attempting to find at least one word to utter. Finally I handed over the letter I had written to use just in case like this.

“I had once read and believed since then that ‘when you discover something that made you tighten inside, you had better try to learn more about it.’ And so did me after I saw you for the first time. Although you didn’t seem girl enough to stalk after, you have always succeeded in attracting me. And I know you never want to see it that way, but you are beautiful, intelligent, confident and most importantly, you are real. I want to spend my life with you. I know you are a little difficult person, but nothing worthwhile is ever easy. You may be wondering that we fight more than half of the time we are together, and we are worlds apart, but whatever our souls are made up of is same. We will have to work it out every day, and I am ready to do that because I want you. Just as you are, No conditions apply. So Miss Samaira Bakshi will you please grant me the life-time imprisonment of your crazy companionship and agree to Marry Me?”

She had not read the letter in my presence. But she started avoiding me. After 48 plus heart pounding hours she came to me and said “Hi!” as if nothing ever happened. I was surprised by her casual attitude, was she actually behaving that way or was I dreaming all the while for 2 days. She announced she got selected at Wipro and was moving to Mysore after graduation. I was shocked as she had never mentioned that she had applied and there were no placement drive until after final exams that year. It was last working day of the college, just before farewell. She left college saying that she had to reach home early. I went behind her. We were talking as we walked towards her home. I asked her what the reason for her silence was, and what she thought about the letter. She tried to avoid the questions in every way possible but finally stopped walking looked at me and erupted “I like you Sam, but I cannot get married, I have a career to make, I don’t have time to think about marriage. You have  a settled future, own mansion, dad’s business and so your dreams don’t inspire you, but I am not born with that luxury, my mum and dad got divorced when I was 12, I have seen my mother struggling alone to raise me, and now it’s my turn to give her some rest and happiness. This world is not a fairy tale Sam, in real life there is no prince-charming, your letter was very sweet, but when such Love is rubbed against the obstacles of reality, it fades away. Things change, people change Samvit and the world can go rolling down. Moreover, you could not stand for your own dreams; you wanted to study literature and did engineering just because your parents wanted you to. How will you stand for my love? I cannot trust you with my life Samvit, I cannot trust anyone with my happiness”

She walked away. I was shocked by her response and deeply hurt specially by her last line.  I watched with breaking heart as she slowly faded away.

Moisture had made my vision foggy as my heart remembered our last conversation. I had attended the farewell just to avoid questions from our group. She had looked her best in black saree, was she really happy or was she an expert pretender, I wondered, then chose to believe the former. Concluding she didn’t love me I had made peace with my destiny with lot of efforts. But this unexpected encounter today was very overwhelming.

I went back to the seat. She was scribbling something on a notepad, the paper that she tore of and began to fold just as she saw me approaching her. “You took a long time anything serious?” In hurtful rage I bloated, “Yes My fiancé” “Oh! You’re engaged to be married, Congratulations!” This time she failed in feigning disinterest. “Who is the lucky girl if I may ask?” “Rashmi. Remember?” Meanwhile she crumbled the paper she was folding and put it in the pocket of the jacket absent minded. “Your dad’s business partner’s daughter, isn’t she?” “Yes” ‘Calling attention for all passengers that the flights have been resumed. All the passengers on INDIGO AIRLINES flight IND683 to Kolkata please go to gate 4’  “That’s my flight” she stood up. We started walking towards the departure lounge.  “Where did you get lost?” I asked. “Nothing, I will be back” she replied in haste and walked towards the loo. After some 10 minutes or so she returned looking conclusive about something. It was a long queue at the gate, so we stood nearby waiting for people to lessen. “I am seeing someone too; back in Australia.” she blurted. “That’s nice” I laughed to myself; assuming it to be a lie. “His name is Shubhrato Roy, my manager.” “Woah!” I exclaimed. “In fact I am on my way to Kolkata to meet his family.” “That’s awesome.” I replied masking excitement. ‘You found someone you could trust your life and happiness with.’ I thought bitterly. “I was not sure about this relationship. But now I think I can handle it.” We both laughed. She gave me a tight hug “Thank you for everything” Her voice melted in my ears. I was enchanted by the spell of that moment. After that little ‘forever’ she started draging herself towards the boarding gate. “Hey Samaira!” I called behind her. “She turned, her eyes were moist. “My Jacket” “Oh” she said and handed me my jacket. I held her hand and I wanted to say ‘Please don’t go’ but I couldn’t break my family’s commitment and Rashmi’s heart we were to get married in a month, she loved me sincerely and we were committed since 2 years now and moreover Samaira had also moved on. I was not sure if she even loved me. Shubrato seemed a better guy for her. “All The Best for your future” was all I could say “Thanks” she replied and as she walked past the gate I watched once again with breaking heart as she slowly faded away.

I wore my jacket which now had her fragrance in it. In few minutes I boarded my flight too. I am a little old school, and don’t fancy technology much, so I opened my book to write the end to my story. As I put my hand in the pocket to get the pen I found the crumbled paper. I straightened it. It was addressed to me.

My Dear Sam

I still remember and cherish our time together. Those were the best days I lived. I had felt your letter through tears. Today, though I accomplished all my dreams; there is a Sam-shaped hollow in my heart, which could not be inhabited by anything. When you proposed me, I was not ready, I had always feared marriage. Mum, dad, and I were very happy; I never saw it coming that they will break up. Dad fell in love with his secretary and moved out of the house. The world came crashing on my mom. They were high school sweethearts and married for 15 years. Still their Love faded. I grew up way before my age. I didn’t want to lose you and I was not ready for marriage. I was too harsh in my reply but knowing you, so stubborn, there was no other way. Recently when Shubhrato (my manager) proposed to me, I told my mom about it she quoted this line from a book “Finding someone you love and who loves you back is a wonderful, wonderful feeling. But finding a true soul mate is an even better feeling. A soul mate is someone who understands you like no other, loves you like no other, will be there for you forever, no matter what. They say that nothing lasts forever, but I am a firm believer in the fact that for some, love lives on even after we're gone.”  As she read these words, I thought about you. The last time I hugged someone, really hugged someone was you and your arms never failed to ease the storm in my heart. I thought of contacting you; but the way I treated you last time, I was too afraid of your reaction. I couldn’t have tolerated your abhorrence. No matter how well I portray myself as the ‘Bandit Queen’ there is a highly sensitive girl in me.  I know I should have given you fair reasons earlier. I regret that so much. Today when I saw you I was hopeful again, and the warmth of your presence gave me the confidence to write this note. If there is any way I could, I would Love to spend my Life with you.

Love

Sam

Tears rolled down as I completed the letter, I could had jumped in frenzy had I got this note few months earlier, but all I could remember now was Edgar Allan Poe

“In the visions of Dark night
I have dreamed of joy departed-
But a waking dream of life and light
Hath left me broken hearted.”